Matrilineal Love: Our Unassisted Homebirth

The Seed

I became interested in (and, at times, slightly
obsessed with) homebirth about three years before my
daughter was born. Like most Americans, my conception
of birth had been based on what I had absorbed from
the mainstream media: scenes of screaming women lying
flat on their backs in brightly lit rooms with
strangers coming in and out and the heroic (male)
doctor finally "delivering" the baby. But then, in the
space of one week in March 2003, I happened to come
across two stories of homebirth, one in a magazine and
one in a book, that described a completely different
experience. The women in these stories were allowed to
move around according to the needs of their bodies,
were surrounded by loving people who believed in the
safety and the sacredness of birth, and were given the
time and space to let their births unfold as they were
meant to. In short, they were empowered. I cried
during each reading.

In November of 2005 I met my now-husband and
always-soul mate Graham. We "married" one another in a
handfasting ceremony three days later and, two weeks
after that, conceived a child in a coastal redwood
forest while making love for the first time. With the
deepening of winter in December came the realization
that I was pregnant, and with it an onslaught of
questions about how and where we would go through the
pregnancy, birth, and parenthood (we were wandering
vagabonds at the time). But one thing we knew for
certain: we would have the baby at home, wherever that
was.

Graham had not delved into the world of childbirth as
thoroughly as I had (though he had perused Ina May
Gaskin's Spiritual Midwifery!), but his own background
had led him to draw the same conclusions about the
security and sanctity of every manifestation of Life,
including birth. He is a natural foods chef and had
spent the year previous to our meeting working on an
organic farm. He has a deep reverence for the earth
that I had experienced only on an intellectual level
before meeting him. I'll never forget the moment
during the first conversation we ever had, at a Fall
Equinox party on a small urban farm, when he had me
bend down and put my hand deep into the soil of a bed
of buckwheat.

This was only the beginning of my ventures out of my
conceptual mind and into the realm of actually
experiencing and participating in the natural world,
an exploration that would find its greatest expression
in the act of giving birth. Throughout the pregnancy
Graham introduced me to a variety of vegetables,
fruits, nuts, beans, and grains that I had never tried
before, and I began to know, through sensuous
connection with my body, the miraculous vitality that
expresses itself through Mother Nature so that she can
feed and sustain all of creation.

The Water

The idea of having a freebirth, with no midwife or
other professional attendant present, had intrigued us
even before we discovered that there was a little
sprout in my belly. But we decided to take the safe
route and hire a midwife this time around, figuring
that, if nothing went wrong, we would birth unassisted
with subsequent children.

Then at our five month appointment, as I lay back on
the table watching the midwife examine my belly with
her hands, I had the overwhelming feeling that I did
not want this woman, or anyone other than my husband,
at my birth. More specifically, I didn't need anyone
else at my birth. Thinking of it in terms of "if
nothing went wrong" had seemed itself to be very wrong
to me throughout the pregnancy, and I became cognizant
of the fact that the act of trusting was in and of
itself the most important factor in creating an
optimal birthing experience. This moment on the
midwife's table was the strongest flash of intuition I
had ever received, and I look back on it as the
beginning of my awareness of my inherent mothering
intuition (which, of course, also plays a significant
roll in the unfolding of a peaceful and fulfilling
birthing experience).

We spent the next month doing a lot of research online
(we had no idea that so many other people were
choosing unassisted birth) and a lot of
soul-searching. Finally, I got up the courage to call
our midwife and inform her of our decision. We decided
to meet one more time, and at this final appointment
she gave us big hugs, a list of supplies she would
keep on hand (not one of which we actually ended up
using), and total support and encouragement. We were
on our own.

We decided not to tell anyone of our decision, in
order to keep negative and fearful energy at bay. I
continued to eat a nutritious diet, drink herbal teas
that support pregnancy and birth, and practice a mild
form of yoga everyday. A couple of months before the
birth, my mom, who I talk to almost daily, figured out
our plan to birth unassisted. She was worried at
first, but when we presented her with all of our
research and the relevant facts and statistics, and
assured her of our total trust in the process, she
became more trusting as well.

We decided to tell my grandma and sister, since we're
kind of a foursome and it seemed odd to have a secret
between just two of us. They all wanted to be at the
birth, but especially my mom and grandma, both of whom
had birthed all of their children naturally in
hospital settings. I am especially in awe of my
grandma for this because she defied the hospital staff
in an era when most women were having "twilight
births" (a practice, most common immediately following
World War II, wherein laboring women were drugged to
the point of unconsciousness and awoke to find that
their baby had been born). In the matriarchal society
of elephants, women relatives attend one another's
births, and since elephants are my favorite animal, I
delightfully considered the idea of inviting mom and
grandma to attend. But in the end I decided that the
remnants of their worrisome energy might interfere too
much with the smooth unfolding I wanted for my birth.

The Sprout

So when my water broke at 8:30pm on Sunday, August
13th, as we ran around filling up the birthing tub and
brewing anti-hemorrage herbal teas and charging the
camera, we also made sure to remember to turn our cell
phones off. We set up a makeshift altar next to the
tub, the centerpiece of which was the Tarot card
"Trust", depicting a person free falling/flying
through empty sky, which I had pulled from the Zen
Osho deck three times during the previous week. I
labored through the night, switching between the
birthing tub (which we had rented from the midwife),
the shower, and sitting on the toilet. Every time that
I had sat on the toilet during my last month of
pregnancy I thought to myself that it was the ideal
birth-giving position for me. Still, I wanted a water
birth and spent most of my labor in the tub.

It was in this tub, during the later part of the
morning of the 14th, that I started to periodically
slip away from the assured, focused state of mind I
had been in all night and began retreating into
strange, dream-like states of consciousness between
contractions. I was exhausted. The baby's head was
centimeters away from coming out, we could feel and
see her, and I would give my all with every push, sure
that with this one she would be coming out. But for
what seemed like an eternity, she didn't. We had my
medical papers stacked by the door, and knew the route
to the nearby hospital. Still, we knew without having
to verbally communicate it that everything was all
right, that our full thoughts and spirits were still
in it, and that a beautiful baby would be born that
day.

At about one o'clock in the afternoon we heard a tap
on our front window. We were surprised and angry. Not
now! Didn't they see the sign on the door? We ignored
the knock. Then a few minutes later we heard rustling
sounds in the back room, and shortly after that my mom
and grandma entered the front room where we sat,
kissing, in the birthing tub. I will never forget the
moment they walked in. They seemed angelic, the
afternoon sunlight dancing off the fabric of their
clothes. They looked into my eyes so deeply and
lovingly, and my spirit lifted and expanded. Graham
and I were both renewed by their presence and the
shift in energy that it brought. My grandma was crying
because she had heard the sounds I was making and, as
she put it, "I can't stand to see you in pain." I
explained to her that it really wasn't pain so much as
just a very, very intense sensation that I needed to
vocalize in order to move through it.

After we caught them up on what had been happening we
decided that I should get out of the tub. With the
help of all three of them I made it to the bathroom,
where I found relief on the toilet. The relief was
short lived however because within minutes I realized
that this baby was coming now! The already-intense
sensations became even more so, and I could feel her
head crowning. Graham, who was kneeling in front of
me, said "Stand up!" and I did, bending over him and
supporting myself by putting my hands on the wall
there. It seemed that I was far away, projected into
space; out of my body, but at the same time in it like
never before.

She made sweet little sounds as her newly-emerged head
hung from my body, almost like a kitten mewing. Then,
according to my husband, her right shoulder and then
her whole right arm came out, and then the rest of her
body quickly slipped into his hands. I sat back down,
in awe, in shock, hand on my newly shrunken belly.
"It's a girl!" said my mom, confirming the intuition
that Graham and I had had all along (we always
referred to the baby as "she").

We did it. It was done. Those months of anticipation,
of researching and learning and discussing, of asking
ourselves "are we doing the right thing?", had all
culminated in this divine moment, in this unbelievably
vibrant, perfect being.

The Flower

For me, I see two factors that contributed to this
joyous outcome. The first is trust. It was absolutely
necessary. Observing and interacting with the natural
world had instilled in me a deep trust of Life's
processes and energies, and I knew that my body was a
part of that. And birth, as the ultimate act of
creation, is strongly, deeply interlinked with that
sacred Life force. The second is the connection I felt
with my ancestors (including those of the fungi,
plant, and animal kingdoms as well). As I stood up to
push my daughter out, I was very aware of my mom and
grandma standing in the room with me. As I envisioned
the woman who had birthed me and and woman who had
birthed her, I could see the thousands of generations
of birthing women stretching back into prehistory, and
I knew undoubtedly that my body was made to do this
(despite years of gynecologists commenting on how
"small" I was). My elephants had been there after all.

Through this process I came to realize that we exist
because the earth exists, and that the earth exists
because the universe exists. We are all literally made
up of remnants of starlight, and so are inextricably
entwined with all of the cosmos. The Life force does
not worry over the future, it does not fret about its
next act of creation. There is nothing but trust,
interconnection, and love. Every birthing woman (no
matter where she gives birth) can call upon these
forces and embody their power in order to ensure that
her baby blossoms forth from her body in its own
perfect time, in its own miraculous way.

Comments

[Melissa]

This is the most amazing birth story I have ever heard...you are an inspiration!

[SoulSistaKrista]

Thank you so much little one! I have been sensitive to this path my entire life but you know what happens when you start talking about the world conciousness with folks that are moving too fast to hear or even understand. I got scared when my contractons hit and went for the epidural (lol) but I wanted to do a home, water birth! Imagine if I'd been strong enough in my own conviction! I WAS strong enough to have my mother and sisters with me. I needed their voices and support!!...3 pushes and my Nia was out. Giving respect to the oldest woman in my family - My Great Aunt(95 at the time) I gave my daughter her name - Josephine - which I read means 'God shall add'. Well Nia means 'Purpose' in Swahili and I thought what a beautiful blessing to give this child...Ever since she's been here I have felt the most wonderful sense of purpose to my life! I've just recently started nourishing her with my herbal knowledge - I've let well meaning folks tell me what my child needs for so long, its time for me to do what's right for us! She was a breast-fed child (until 2 years old!) and ALWAYS slept with me. She's had 2 ear infections (in the whole 5 years so far) and that's about it. :) I look forward to caring for her throughout her life & teaching her how to care for me later! I'm teaching her everything I know. She will be the carrier of my family's knowledge as I am :)

Thank you for letting me know you're out there! MUCH LOVE to you and your family! I will be back VERY soon!

[Selene]

I woke this morning feeling like I needed to read back through some of these posts, and I certainly glad that I did! (We had company last night, so when I saw the post regarding me, I was only able to read that and not get deeper into your archives).

The most pertinent thing that you mentioned in this incredible retelling was how essential trust is. That last paragraph sums it all up. I have no judgement on those that need assistance--and think that each woman's journey contains the lesson she needs at that time, but am blown away by people who can shed so much of the muck that we have absorbed about our bodies, our births, our need for fear etc, and birth with confidence, trust and love.

What a gift you are giving, not only your family but all your readers and friends, with such a story!

I want to include this on my baby blog if possible as I have a few friends who are pregnant or considering pregnancy and I think this is phenomenal.

[andrea gutierrez]

wow...this whole life story is just beyond what i can express...i did not have nat this way, but i am happy that i did have a good hospital experience (at least for me). the birth of a child is always so magical and fantastic, just to know you have this little being who had been living with you, inside you for so long is here with you. i am amazed by your life and your love. amazed by how quickly you and graham connected, binding yourselves together. i must say, i thought it was truly beautiful how you conceived your daugther, in the woods! i know that there are different things we believe in but this story indeed has touched me in a very beautiful way and i thank you for it....