Full Circle, Finally

Last night I had a moment with my daughter that I had thought I would first experience long before this. We were at my mom's in South Lake Tahoe. Mycelia had been sleeping for about an hour and then woke up crying. I was in the living room watching the hilarious Forgiving The Franklins with my mom and her husband, so they paused it while I went to get her back to sleep. Graham and I have been working on "night weaning", or not nursing at night, since last fall. She is finally now getting to the point where she hardly ever fights it anymore, and just accepts that the boobies sleep when it's dark out and is able to fall back asleep relatively quickly. Given that we walk to her to sleep or sing and rub her back, that is.

But last night I didn't feel like doing either of those. I wanted to rest too. So I lay on my back with her on top of me on her belly (a little risky, since it's so close to the nursing position, but it turned out to be fine). She fell asleep right away, and the experience began.

I was feeling her little (huge!) body next to mine and smelling her and thinking about how big she is now, how much we've all gone through in the last two years, how I've always wanted a daughter and so she's basically the fulfillment of my deepest desire, how much joy she brings us every day, and how I have become an authentic mother, despite my own fears and anxieties about it. And I just cried and cried.

It was like a pure oxytocin rush, the kind that often accompanies natural childbirth. It was the kind of moment that I always pictured I'd have while gazing lovingly upon my newborn. But no, it took over two years for me to feel relaxed and confident enough to allow those feelings to flood through.

When she was two days old she fell asleep on my chest in much the same way. It was late afternoon and scorching hot in Sacramento in August. As our skin touched I felt these waves of energy come over me, running through my body like swirling light. It was as if our bodies were bonding to one another, as if my post-birth body was integrating the fact that now this creature was on the outside. It felt amazing, but then when she awoke she screamed and wailed and cried on and on and on. It was shocking, as she was still so new to me and I didn't why she would be so upset or what to do. Of course, we nursed and that calmed her down. But when I look back on it I see it as sort of that moment I had imagined, interrupted by The Reality of a Baby.

It's sort of like what Peggy O'Mara says in the essay I posted the other day. How we choose to care for our children when they are at their youngest, most vulnerable, most impressionable age sets the tone of our relationship with them for the rest of our lives. Even though it was gnarly at first and I felt constantly overwhelmed, confused, and tired, I know now that it was worth it. It was worth the natural birth and the precisely perfect interplay of hormones that that allowed, it was worth the breastfeeding agony of the first week, worth the sleepless nights when we refused to let her cry it out.

She's so grown up now. So capable and communicative, and caring. And contrary and cantankerous and curious as a cat. I feel vindicated, proud. I feel, more often now than not, that we've done a pretty good job.

Even though Graham has been gone for 8 days now, I haven't felt too stressed at any point. Mycie is old enough now and our relationship has such a strong foundation that I can deal with anything that comes up. I know her so well and she trusts me so much that together we can deal with anything that comes up.

And it's beautiful. And I'm grateful. But still tired lots of the time. Good night :-)

Comments

[Sasha]

Oh Mamma, you are a miracle.

[stacy]

That's beautiful mama. I've cried while DS slept on/near me too. Isn't it wonderful? We're practicing child-led weaning so I'm sure we'll have plenty more sleepless nights (and neither of us are really ready to give up "nursies!") but I do look forward to the time when Adam is grown up enough to fall asleep without it.

[Krystal]

this post made me cry! a good cry, thank you i needed it!

being a mom is such an amazing role...it's so hard and so rewarding and comes so naturally despite all our fears and anxieties.

i love it when Noah sleeps on my chest...it's his favorite spot to snooze and he fits there so perfectly!

[the blue penny]

beautiful. just beautiful. i love how you share all the nuances of mothering, the real, the lovely and the less than ideal. keep it up!

[Melanie Jaramillo]

Oh, I'm so glad you posted this! I read this article when it was first published and LOVED IT.... so much that I cut it out and have had it in my pile of important papers for years! In a culture where doctors tell new moms to put their new babies on schedules by letting them cry to sleep, this article speaks of the importance of being present as a mother/caretaker. I hope it speaks to others as much as it spoke to me!
Thank You!

[alicia]

That is just perfect ~ this feeling will flood back in your life here and there as she gets bigger and even more beautiful (if that is possible) you are an amazing mother you have created an amazing daughter not just created with your body but also with your spirit and love~