from Anna
You can go ahead and place Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at the tippity-top of the list of my favorite parenting books. I've had a difficult time even sitting down and writing a review for this one, because I feel I can't adequately describe how powerful and amazing it truly is.
A friend of mine, a single father, recently wrote to me regarding a difficult day he had with his son... the boy accidentally locked them both out of the house, and my friend lost his cool. He described the scene-- he was less than kind, his son sat on the steps and cried. He later apologized to the boy. I assured him that the apology was so important, something many of us never got from our own parents who lived by the credo whereby The Grown-Up is Always Right. We discussed this a little, how vital it is to have to work through our own less-than-perfect upbringings, our own childhood traumas that resurface when we are at the hardest moments with our kids. What really made the biggest impression on me in this conversation though, was a simple image that has been haunting me as the most perfect metaphor for parenting-- my friend mentioned that he had been out in the yard pulling up the roots of oleander bushes. Isn't that the most grueling and most spiritual work of raising children, tearing up the roots of the poisionous plants that flourish in our own minds?
This is the core of Naomi Aldort's outstanding book. It is absolutely vital, in order to love our children as real human beings, respect them as individuals, and interact authentically with them, to do the hard work of pulling up those toxic roots that are so entrenched in our own hearts. Aldort's book is beautifully written and her insights are amazing. I usually sneer at any parenting book that offers an acronymic formula-- but her "S.A.L.V.E." technique for what to remember and consider before reacting to our children when we are angry or frustrated is the exception. Stopping to consider our own past hurts and cultural inculcations about what motherhood/fatherhood is, and realizing that our motivations often don't match up with what we truly want to express to our kids can make a huge difference in the messages they receive from us about who they are, who we are, and what our relationships are and can be (both between parent & child and more generally between any human beings).
For mothers and fathers who truly wish to grow as people, be more compassionate parents, and raise children who are confident, autonomous, and base their decisions not on fear but on love, this book is it. While virtually every parenting guide out there is promising to school you on ways to produce a happy (and of course obedient) child through various permutations of force, threat, or manipulation, and giving you handy tricks for asserting your will over your child's, this book gives you the honest truth: you can't change another person into what you want him to be, but all things change when we change ourselves.
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